Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
