My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
