hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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