found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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