There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
