I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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