You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
COCAINE IS GR8
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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