You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
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Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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