angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
