there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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