does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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