Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
