i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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