I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
