and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
