You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
