just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
