So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just cropdusted the office
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
