i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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