And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
