2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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