Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
