Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
