Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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