Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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