we should wear snuggies to the strip club
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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