Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just found a bag of teeth...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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