I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
