watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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