Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
