if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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