Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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