I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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