This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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