if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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