So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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