mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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