I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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