and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
