omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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