I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
