Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
