then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
