cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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