I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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