White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
