When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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