You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
