woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
