No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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