My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
