you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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