apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I fill condoms, not promises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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