i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
