i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
