.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
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Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
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I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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